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How do you find out your love language?

Did you know there are 5 love languages and that yours might be different from your partners?

Find out what they are, how you find out what yours is and what your partners is and how you can use it to enhance, improve or change your relationship.


What are the 5 love languages? Definitions and meanings

Love language – Acts of Service

Do you feel really seen and loved when someone offers to help you out? Maybe someone makes you a cup of tea without asking, does the washing up or scrapes the ice from your car and clears the snow outside your house on a winters day. These all fall under acts of service, small or large its where someone does something to make your life a little easier or make your environment a little nicer.

Love Language – Gifts

Do you feel your heart fill up when someone thinks to buy you a bar of chocolate while their out shopping, or surprises you with your favourite brand of something. Gift giving doesn’t have to be big materialistic gestures (although they can be!), its more about showing someone you are thinking of them and that you know what they love.

Love Language – Words of Affirmation

This is where the person wants to hear your love for them. A quick face time here, a post it note on the fridge there; take the time to tell them why they matter to you, what it is about them that you love and how they make you feel– whether its a big gesture or a little one, this is a sure fire way to their heart.

Love Language - Quality Time

Giving someone your undivided attention is precious to someone who values quality time. We live such busy lives now and social media has made this even more busy. If quality time matters to you, make the time! Agree to turn phones onto silent, put the laptop away and forget about the outside world for a while. 15 minutes a day can make a huge difference to relationships where quality time is currency, or you may go big and get away together for a few days. Either way, showing you care by being there can be a game changer.

Love Language – Physical Touch

Fist bump, pat on the back, hug, an intimate kiss; whatever it is, if you value physical touch this can make a huge difference to your day. Making the first move when physical touch has fallen out of a relationship can sometimes feel uncomfortable or a bit scary – what if I am rejected! It’s the old saying – if you don’t try, you won’t find out.

For parents, in particular, physical touch can lose its value in an adult relationship, when you are being poked, prodded cuddled and wrestled all day by small people, sometimes the last thing you want to do at the end of the day is make space for more physical contact. We often forget the different parts of our whole self, and it’s really important to honour the different parts of you – the parent you, and the relationship you. Make time and space if this love language is part of your relationship and see what happens.

How do I work out my love language?

So how does this all apply to life, how do you find your love language? Take some time over the next couple of days and notice the small things in life when you feel happy and loved, what gives you a little pick up? If you’re not noticing this in life, maybe look for what is missing – it may be that your love language needs to be introduced back into the relationship. Communication also sits at the heart of this. If you do realise there is a way you need to be honoured in your relationship, you may need to let the other person know. If their love language is different, they may have no idea that how they are communicating their love to you isn’t hitting the spot!

If this leaves you thinking, why should I? They never do it for me! Maybe for you this might be an information gathering experience, if you put yourself out there find out how best to relate to them and let them know what works for you, you can then sit back and see how things go. It might work out great you might build on the foundations of your relationship and find an even stronger place. You might find that only one of you is putting the effort into the relationship, this may open up new questions for you.

Remember, the idea of love language applies to every relationship, not just towards a partner. If you’re looking to strengthen your relationship with a sibling, parent or friend it’s worth thinking in terms of your love language and theirs. This way you can find the way to communicate their worth to you in a way they will truly understand, and you can express what you need from them more clearly.

If you’ve read this and it’s opened up questions you would like to explore, maybe about how you relate to others or about a difficult relationship in your life, click here to learn more about my counselling therapy services.

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