Curious about: Shame

Shame is a word that we have an interesting relationship with. For a lot of people the word in itself is shameful to own – it had connections with guilt, embarrassment, failure. You may have grown up being told “you should be ashamed of yourself” or “isn’t it a shame that…”. In general, we are not taught about what shame actually is, why it is part of our human make up and how we can own it to set ourselves free.

I really discovered the depth of the concept of shame when I read Brene Browns book “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t)”. I learnt so much from this book! Here are a few of my favourite bits.

Shame Triggers

Shame for men and women is experienced in the same way but the triggers for it are different.

For women, Brene identifies twelve shame triggers:

1. Money and work

2. Family

3. Parenting

4. Motherhood or Fatherhood

5. Appearance and body image

6. Mental and physical health

7. Addiction

8. Sex

9. Surviving trauma

10. Being stereotyped/labeled

11. Aging

12. Religion

    
    

For men, it is one trigger – do not be perceived as weak.

Shame shields

We activate our shame shields when we perceive we may be at risk of rejection or we feel vulnerable and exposed.

The three shame shields are

1. Moving Away – Retreating into silence, avoiding people, or shutting down emotionally.

2. Moving Toward – People-pleasing, over-apologising, or trying to ‘earn’ acceptance.

3. Moving Against – Becoming defensive, sarcastic, or pushing people away before they can hurt us.

These are often subconscious reactions that become so natural to us that we don’t even realise that we are acting in this way to cope.

The aim of shame shields is to protect our vulnerable parts; in reality it causes the shame to fester and grow within us, impacting our relationships, how we spend our time and how we feel about ourselves.

The antidote to shame

The simple answer to this is accessing empathy.

The trickier part of this is we have to slow ourselves down to give us time to acknowledge and understand our shame triggers and our shame shields.

Through this work, we can start to move from shutting down or acting out to being able to communicate what we feel and what we need. This in turn allows us to access the people in our support network who will offer us empathy rather that judgement and help us to move through our shame.

If you would like to understand more about how shame has impacted you, your life experiences and your relationships, give me a shout to discuss how we could work together.